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this is just where im gonna put the cringe blogs so theyre Not Publicly Available.

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CRINGE WARNING!!!


man i love sunsets

sometimes i think that i hate everything and it would be better if the universe would just collapse in on itself now and save us the trouble
and then i see the sunset and i think that i hate nearly everything
it doesn't make things... better, but i find some comfort in thinking about how the sun and the stars have been here a hell of a lot longer than i have
and they'll be there long after i'm gone
no matter what happens the sun will always set in the dusk and rise in the dawn
and. i don't know. it makes me kinda happy in an unexplainable way
not happy in the sense of being happy, but more like... i'm glad that's true.

i love the stars
they're not visible from where i live, but they are up north with my grandma (on my dad's side, different one to the one who lives in hastings) and down in queenstown (i lived there for a while. god that place is beautiful). something about looking up at the night sky and seeing the millions of twinkling lights strewn across the heavens makes me feel so, so small
not in a bad way
just. small
sometimes i like to feel like that

i think it would be nice to. lie in a field at night and watch the stars
maybe with the people i love
i think that would be nice

22/05/2024 - 10:19 pm
tags: stars, image, unnecessarily sentimental

CRINGE WARNING!!!


i think there is something broken in my brain

my birthday is in a bit over five days
there are a few more years until i am an adult and i feel like i've wasted my whole life
no matter what i do i just
i can't remember the last time i felt happy. not in a depressed way, i'm not sad all the time but
i'm just sort of empty
and everything i do is just a distraction from the crushing emptiness. it sounds like i'm just saying 'oh i'm so edgy i'm so heartless and broken' but it's. it's not that and i don't know if there's anything i can do
i try to do things with my friends, i try to. talk to people. and take walks outside and do everything that will make me a normal person and nothing does anything
i just end up lonely in a room full of people
and my relationships are all breaking down because i just can't function enough to prove to them that i'm worth caring about
and honestly i'm not sure if the friendships are healthy because god it does not seem like that
and i know deep down i deserve all of this i deserve so much worse than this but i can't figure out why
i would give anything to even feel sad at this point i have no reason to be like this: i have friends, and even though they might not be the best and i might not be the best to them, it's better than being alone; i have parents, who have, admittedly, caused me so much pain over the years, but are... trying their best, and i can't bring myself to hate them. i have it so much better than others and i still ended up like this
and i just
i can't see myself making it another ten years and i hate it
i want to be normal and i just can't
all the trauma all the reasons that any of this has happened has been because i wouldn't be fucking normal

i'm just rambling now and it's getting late and i don't think i'm making any sense, so i'll just stop now

20/05/2024 - 11:00 pm
tags: vent

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